"NEW CHRISTMAS RULES . . . . ."

[CapnK]

This was posted by a friend of mine, Charles Brennan, over on the TrailerSailor bulletin board. I thought it was hilarious, I hope y'all will like it too. :)

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NEW CHRISTMAS RULES . . . . .

Rule 1) Those darn'ed wire ties that hold kids toys in the box so they look all pretty and whatnot in the store, shall be reduced from 22-gauge wire to 28-gauge wire.
This is so Frustrated Disassemblers (read: Grandparents ) can simply BUST them open, BEFORE they Lose Their Minds!

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Attention Toy Manufacturers: You are only shipping these from China to America; NOT to Mars; we don't NEED 22-gauge wire to pin down an ounce of plastic.
We ESPECIALLY don't want to impart Bondage Fantasies into our GrandKiddies, from their first view of their New Toy.
("Oooh, Look Grandma! Barbie's all tied up!" )
The Therapy's just wayyyyyyyy too expensive. Costs even more than the toy.

Rule 2) Child's Toy Batteries will come with a new Form Factor and Voltage Ampacity.

Rule 3) Batteries shall be designated as: Child's Toy Battery and shall be only ONE size.
NOT AAA, AA, C, D (whichever one you DON'T have in the drawer) or any OTHER battery that can be stolen from badly needed appliances and un-discovered until the middle of a Hurricane.

Rule 4) Battery form factor shall be asymmetrical in all planes (no dumb button-end and flat-end, like AA, C or D-cells) so as to permit intuitive one-way installation, only.

Rule 5) Ampacity shall be sufficient to run the darn'ed Toy for MORE than 15 minutes.
If this means you have to go to fuel-cells, so be it.
Fuel-cell technology won't appreciably affect the price we're already paying for toys now, anyway.

Rule 6) Under NO circumstances should a kid's toy be ABLE to use ANY battery, that ALSO works inside a portable GPS or VHF!

Rule 7) All Marketing shall take into account: "Kid-ness".
It's all very well to market the box with a plastic front, but EVERYBODY knows Kids would rather play with the box than the toy and those plastic edges can make cuts that can rival the best surgical-steel scalpels.
(Somebody go get another band-aid for Grandpa! )

While everyone knows that the three things for a successful Kid's toy are:
A) Must have a Bazillion pieces.
B) Must Move.
C) Must make Noise.
Rule 8 ) Since almost ALL these new-fangled gadgets have a remote, they MUST also include a "Grandparent Emergency Remote" that disables the racket.
Failing that, they MUST sense the presence of OTHER noisy toys and shut off their sounds automatically, unless or until no other toys are operating.

Rule 9) With ALL these new-fangled micro-processors and computing horse-power, they STILL don't have a toy smart enough to assemble ITSELF?!?!?

Rule 10) "Retro Toys" shall be brought out oftener than every other generation.
Aren't we about due again, for a "Sally Stupid" doll?
It doesn't walk, talk, wet itself, move, transform itself suddenly into a hideous robot, speak, sing, or do ANYTHING!!
It has yarn hair, a painted-on smile, shoe-button eyes and it just LAYS there!

Pretty sure I'm having a Merry Christmas . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Just can't quite hear myself THINK, to know for sure! Charles Brennan

[s/v Emerald Tide]

C) Must make Noise.[/i]
Rule 8 ) Since almost ALL these new-fangled gadgets have a remote, they MUST also include a "Grandparent Emergency Remote" that disables the racket.
Failing that, they MUST sense the presence of OTHER noisy toys and shut off their sounds automatically, unless or until no other toys are operating.

Pretty sure I'm having a Merry Christmas . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Just can't quite hear myself THINK, to know for sure! Charles Brennan

Now these rules would just take all the fun out of it for the kid-less.  I tend to buy stuff for my nieces and nephews, that makes the maximum amount of noise.  I'm pretty sure my sister absolutely loved the drums I bought my nephew.  I smile in quiet satisfaction after mailing them off.   And you may have thought that, just maybe, it was  an accident.....    All right, I cop to it,  -- evil auntie.  But the kids love me!