The ties that bind

[skylark]

This time of year there is always a certain disappointment that I did not make it out of the frozen north and will be icebound until May.  For many years my goal has been to live on a boat and harbor hop on the east coast US and Caribbean.  Previously, it was a lack of a boat and finances that held me back.  Now I have the boat and am comfortable financially, although not ready to retire.  But having lived a stable landrat life trying to accumulate funds and repair/upgrade a boat, its something else that has me landbound.

The ties that bind.  Family, friends, community.  Its wonderful to be needed. I am happy to be around the nieces and nephews as they grow up.  Mom and Dad are getting into an age where they may need help soon.  I own a very nice home in a great neighborhood, as well as a dock within walking distance.  I am doing important and useful things for the community in which I live.  Any time I talk about leaving for a while, everyone I know does everything they can to stop me from exiting this comfortable lifestyle and doing something so terribly dangerous as moving aboard the boat and sailing to the next harbor.

So there are these two parts of me that are somewhat in conflict.  I am torn, especially this time of year. Things are great, but often I am frustrated.  I have told myself "no" so many times, I don't even know what I want anymore.  But every once and a while I remember what it is that I have wanted since I was a boy and then for a few months I work on preparing for the dream and making sure my boat is in good condition.  But eventually reality sets in, I have so many commitments, and so many people to take care of, so little free time.  I dream about an exit strategy, moving somewhere else, a long vacation, sabbatical, or just disappearing.  But, I don't want to cut the ties, just loosen them. 

It is really all in my hands, I could make a decision today and change everything.  But for this winter, I am stuck again.  So thats my story.

[Grime]

Paul,
It sound like you live your life for others. Not a bad thing at all. You only have one life to live and that should be for you. Sure if you leave the others in your life will be upset but they need to realize that you have dreams and want to fulfill them. In time they will understand.

As for as your mom and dad they are as close as a phone call or a plane ride home. If in time they need you full time you can park the boat and go home.

Good luck on fulfilling your dream.
David

[Tim]

 Although I agree with David, I understand the ties that bind. I have a teenage daughter that along with other things keep me from just packing up and taking off like I always wanted to.

But I know that if I REALLY wanted to I would, and therefore I need to be patient with myself.

Paul, you are more than half way there, perhaps start inching away, showing all (including yourself) that following your dreams does not separate you from all you love.

Tim

[ThistleCap]

Dear Paul,
Your experience is not unique.  It just requires some decisions, but they are hard to make, and it's being guilt-ridden that makes them uncomfortable to make.  The bottom line is known to you, and can be said a number of ways---You only go around once.  Twenty years from now your biggest regrets will not be what you did, but what you didn't do.  You only get one chance at the brass ring, and so on.  In my case, my wife has TNS, terminal nesting syndrome.  She lives her life through the kids and grandkids.  The drawback to family is they all have their own lives.  You can pour as much as you want into their lives and your relationships, but when it becomes a choice between you and their own dreams, you're going to find out you're just in the way.  The hardest question is this: Do they want you around because they really love you, or if they really loved you, wouldn't they choose to see you fulfill your own dreams.  Isn't it possible that they'd cherish you even more if you became the neat, cool, uncle, neighbor, or son who really lived his life and came back happy and with exciting tales from your experiences.  Wouldn't your determination to fulfill your dreams give them more hope and determination to meet the challenge of fulfilling their own.  (If Uncle Paul could do it, so can I.)  In this age of instant communications, you would never be further away than you wanted to be.  Is your presence or closeness needed because of their love for you, or is it needed because you're there when needed and you make them comfortable in their own little world?  Love is supposed to be freeing and supportive.  It's dependence that's parasitic.  

You may not find an either/or decision something you can live with.  You may not be able to chuck it all like Bernard Moitessier, but no one is so important or needed that they can't get away for a month or six weeks!  Doing that a couple times a year may satisfy your need until you get more comfortable with a longer break.  If you're locked in the frigid North, a month's charter is expensive, but a sound investment in sanity.  On this or other sites, you'll find any number of guys in warmer climes that would sail more if they had someone to join them for a couple weeks for company and shared experiences.  You may not be ready to do a circumnavigation, but you can sail as much as you want.  You didn't mention a wife.  If you're single, you're toughest challenge is finding the car keys!!!!  I'm going back to the Chesapeake for a month to six weeks in the spring.  You can join me.  If you're house broken and don't smoke or do drugs, I'd love the company.  Your last couple sentences said it all.  "It is really all in my hands, I could make a decision today and change everything. But ...."  All that stands between you and doing what you want is getting rid of the 'but'.
Jim

[skylark]

Coming back to this after a day...

Actually I have been very successful.  I had a plan to own a boat, get it ready to sail and get a good sum of cash in the bank to live off from.  I'm there.  I also own a house and dock, which have good sides as investments but annual costs if I don't sell them, and my wife will not let me sell the house :) .  Thats OK, she can take care of it while I am gone.  I have earned half a pension for when I get older, and if I continue to work at this job will have the complete pension in 12 years (I'm half way through).  So forgive my whining.

I was just a little down because the wheels turn so slow.  I am kind of bummed about job stress, conflict and stupidity.  I am also feeling the internal nagging that the time to retire early may be coming soon, that my fitness is not the greatest and I need to change some things. 

So the ladder out of this autumn depression (winter is on the way): Eat better, exercise more and plan a spring boat tour.  Make sure the boat is ready to go before things freeze up.   Maybe take a road trip to a southern harbor in January or February.

[Tim]

Paul, I certainly did not see your post as whining, but rather relating your feelings on something most all of us face.

Good to hear you have a plan for the near future.

[ThistleCap]

No, I wasn't looking at it as whinning either.  It's just part of our nature.  I find myself there occassionally as well, and this is the worst time of the year for it.  The only thing we need to constantly remind ourselves is that if we search them out, there are options.  We may never live the ultimate dream, but was can find alternatives that help to feed the soul.  You actually are lucky.  When my wife needed to follow the grandkids to the land of dirt and rocks, I'm 1,687 miles from the East Coast, and 800 miles from the Gulf.  There are lakes here, but all the bridges are only 25 feet, so they can't be sailed except in little segments, and I don't count it as cruising unless I can go a whole day in one direction.  Now THAT'S whinning!  Being able to walk to your own dock is like Nirvana.  My dream after retirement was to live out the rest of my days living aboard sailing wherever the sun shines and the water depth exceeds draft, but my wife's health went downhill, and we moved to the end of the earth.  You've heard that saying, Life is what happens while you're making other plans.  But, I've sought a middle ground that I'm still making peace with by making my 4-6 week trips a few times a year and throwing a canoe in the water the rest of the time.  I hear people making all these plans about what's going to happen when they retire.  We need to do what we can to make us happy NOW. Tomorrow may not be an option.  Meanwhile, we just need to keep encouraging each other.  Best wishes.    

[CharlieJ]

Sometimes though you just have to do it.

My mother is 89 and wishes I wasn't off cruising. Laura's mom is newly widowed and wishes she was home.

I would like to be with my kids and grandkids but that will have to keep. Laura wanted this cruise badly as did I. At my age you MUST go when the chance is there- In this life as Buffet says "theree's no rewind and no replay"

Now we are planning to stash the boat in a safe place for the month of December and fly home. To be there for Xmas and to help Laura's mom handle some stuff. Also to visit my mother.

Then on with the cruise. And remember- it's only about a day travel to get home from most anywhere in the US. Laura left the boat in Mississippi when her dad passed and was with her mommin half a day's time.


And you don't HAVE to be gne for years either- there are thousands of places to leave a boat for awhile arond the coasts- We checked inSt Pete and found we could lleave Tehani in the municipal marina on a secure dock for about 150.00 month.

[Bubba the Pirate]

Paul, I understand your feelings in both directions. 

Almost three years ago, I thought I had chucked it all and started on the plan.  Well, the money I had wasn't nearly as much as it felt; the boat needed more work than expected; there was no paying work to be had near the boat; etc. 

I think we might be ready next year.  However, in the meantime, I have gotten HUGE moral and physical support from my family [should have known but didn't expect].  When I go next year now I am even closer with my sister and her family, and with Mom and Dad.  I've been using my sister's address for 2 years while driving long haul, I crash in Dad's office/spare room when I'm in town. 

And Mom's parents are each 93 this winter; still kicking.  It nags at me that if I go for even a couple years, they might not be around to hear the stories, etc.

When the boat is ready, I think I'm hoping I will be too.  It won't, however, be easy. 

Thanks for your thoughts and the venue for ours. 

Todd

[Lynx]

it is supprising how much the internet has helped this. Many pictures and email as well as phone calls and the plane flight home. Almost like being in a nearby city. Let them be part of it with you.

[lecker68]

I am new here and also in the cold belt( Northern New York) and it is being able to talk to like minded people
while the boat is on the trailer.

[s/v Faith]

I am new here and also in the cold belt( Northern New York) and it is being able to talk to like minded people
while the boat is on the trailer.

Glad to have you aboard.  Sorry to hear about the 'water turning to hard substance' thing.  I am fascinated by this rumored phenomena... I hope it passes soon.  ;D


  There are a few other Chrysler Sailors here.  Look forward to hearing more of your boat and your adventures.

[River Wytch]

about time you got here old man . . .
and might as well let everyone else know that i'll be "subject A" in any scary newbie stories you may tell . . .
see if you can get the rest of the catskill gang to join . . .

dennis

[jotruk]

I've always heard that it is easy to dream and plan and want. The hard part is putting those dreams in to reality. Given the technology of today we can be only a few moments away form any one on any part of the world. Just don't stop dreaming and planing. some times you have to just bit the bullet and just go.

[River Wytch]

"Glad to have you aboard.  Sorry to hear about the 'water turning to hard substance' thing.  I am fascinated by this rumored phenomena... I hope it passes soon.  ;D"

just in case you might've thought there's no boating on the hudson in the winter . . .

dennis




^{Edit by Faith to fix link}

[lecker68]

just in case you might've thought there's no boating on the hudson in the winter . . .
OK Dennis you have to wait for Mike I can uncover mine and tow my Chrysler with my Dodge to the water.

[River Wytch]

go ahead,i dare you . . .
i'd pay to see you waddle around down at dutchman's landing with your seven jackets on . . .
on second thought i've already injured myself once (umbilical hernia),from laughing too hard . . .

since saab doesn't sell anything big enough in the US at present to tow my viggen with,they do have another viggen on the market that should take of both your chrysler AND dodge . . .

dennis

[Godot]

Relief has replaced grief.  My father is gone. My mother has the grandchildren to keep her busy (plus she understands, sort of, my need to wander).  The wife is no longer an encumbrance.  My company has stopped showing loyalty to employees, and therefor has earned none from me.  The only thing holding me back is financial.  All things considered, money is the easiest problem (although it will take awhile) to solve.  Ties are being cut.

Assuming I don't get hit by a truck or something, I will make it in three to five years.  Yup.  No doubt.  I just have to watch out for any serious romantic entanglements.  That is the greatest danger...

[ThistleCap]

Adam, everyone?s goals and desires are different, but I'll tell you what worked for us, and you can adapt to your own situation anything that makes sense to you.  The next thing is divorcing yourself from your things.  For a lot of people, this is hard.  Decide what you need to keep, especially tools and materials for boat maintenance, and either sell or store the rest.  My criteria was that anything I didn't use once or more a month; I didn't really need.  Find long-term storage where it's dry, safe, and inexpensive---Mom's garage, keep a piece of land from one of your properties with the garage and enough room for a driveway (check codes to see if you can divide the plat and re-title the two parcels separately), get a written long-term lease with a friend who has enough property that you could put up a steel garage/shop).  As the rest sits in storage, you'll find more and more of it loses its emotional ties with time, and the shop area will get bigger.  Move onto the 24-footer you have now if the marina will permit it.  If they won't, find another place for next season that will or wet-store.  Start building equity by using the boat you have now.  I worked two jobs, seven days a week.  One job paid the bills plus any from that I could put in the freedom account.  The second job wasn't touched and went entirely into the freedom account.  Your best bet most likely is sticking with the job you have, since you are established there, but find another in a marine-related field.  Even if it pays less, it will get you into the marine community where a lot of other possibilities can open up for you.  We were renting a house, so found a good deal on a boat and in two years had the boat paid for and a good cruising account as well.  

Forgive me if this appears presumptuous.  I have no idea what may work best for you, but just brainstorming with you. It's good to see you moving on.  Best wishes as always.  
 

[Godot]

I don't have much attachment to anything I own.  Really, I don't own much.  Tools are a practical thing.  Then personal gear.  I'm attached to nothing.

Moving onto the Seafarer is possible; but it presents some challenges.  I don't think the marina will complain, and I've kept the boat in the water over the winter before; but they do turn off the water supply to the docks in November.  Maybe that's not a big deal.  Finding space for a heater might be. There isn't quite standing head room, which gets annoying.  It needs work (which means time and money).  None of the berths are quite big enough for me (ok for a week or two, maybe a month or two; but unpleasant for much longer).  Limited storage.  The storage is a big thing because of all the extra clothes and gear I maintain for work (four letter word).  I see no reason to change jobs (a second job in not practical due to the nature of the first job).

I do not want  to seriously degrade my current quality of life.  Of course, what I consider quality isn't what is typically considered.  I don't need a house, big screen tv, or fancy car.  But I do need to go out and enjoy life.  Sailing/cruising is only part of the plan, not the whole plan.  Enjoying life, THAT is what I'm looking to do.  Not just in the future, but today as well.

I could do it; but I think I'd be happier with something just a little bigger.  The layout of the Seafarer suits me fine; but it really belongs in a 26 or 27 foot boat.  Too much interior was crammed into the length, so it is cramped.  But, depending on how things work out, that IS my backup plan (I've put off selling the boat for the time being, even though that means I have to come up with some marina funds, for just this reason).

My plans for a bigger boat are rather fluid.  Initially, I was thinking something under $40,000 would be in my budget.  Then I started considering that something under $30,000 would be better.  Now I'm beginning to eye that $20,000 mark.  I don't want a complete fixer upper (hard to do while living aboard, time consuming, and amazingly expensive).  I'd be better off working an extra 100 hours of overtime and getting a boat in better shape than saving a few thousand dollars and have to do the work myself. 

• Current target: $20-30,000  (actually, future target ... I should be able to get the money, but not yet)
• Size: 28-32 feet.
• Draft: Under 5' preferably (Chesapeake, you know). 6' as an absolute upper limit.
• Capability: Something that a reasonably skilled sailor would feel is ok offshore.
• Rig: Don't care. Sloop, cutter, ketch, yawl, junk. If it has one or more sticks in the middle to hang a bed sheet off of, it's fine.
• Steering: Don't care. Tiller or wheel. I'm fine with both.
• Interior: Standing headroom please.  It's gotta have a place that I can comfortably lie down in. It should have a place (even if it isn't permanent) big enough for me to curl up with some occasional feminine company (remember, I'm looking to enjoy myself).  I really like dinettes for liveaboard; but I'm not married to the idea.  A shower would be a major bonus as one of the marinas I'm eying (where Auspicious is docked) has a really good price, but no shower facilities (there is always the gym).  Preferably I will be able to keep sleeping and living quarters separate for dockside life (probably means a usable v-berth).
• Electronics: don't care. I'll upgrade as necessary. I'm not looking to have every piece of gear under the sun. But if it comes with the boat I won't turn it down.
  

If things DON'T work out as planned, I am ready and willing to scale back the plans.  I WILL use the Seafarer if that is the only way to make it work.  But, I think I can upgrade my desires a bit without drastically damaging my chances of going.

Oh, and it is always possible that my trip with Auspicious will spoil the idea of passage-making for me. The experience will likely help me plan my next move.