"Re-Entry"....the difficulties of coming back

[Frank]

 My friends wife and I have spent many an hour comparing notes on the "adjustment" needed when coming home after being away for months. Our circumstances differed but the "feeling" was the same. We seemed to no longer "fit" and were overwhelmed by demands.
She took a position up north working with/for Inuit children. The extreme far north is a totally different society. Simplicity rules, belongings are secondary and there is far more of a sense of community. She stayed in a small apartment while there and focused on the kids she was working with. When her tour ended, she had difficulty after returning home. She didn't seem to "fit". The demands of extended family, friends, coworkers, her own children and aging parents as well as a home far larger than her lil apartment were overwhelming to her. Simplicity was no longer a way of life.
Our conversations heightened when comparing notes after I returned from a winter living on a small boat. I too felt overwhelmed by being pushed/pulled in multiple directions....all this felt normal before leaving, but after being "unplugged" for close to 4mths it no longer felt like the way I wanted to live. While cruising, I had no cell phone, intermittent wifi (depending on anchorage) no demands, no "have to's". The biggest concerns were natural..IE: wind direction and speed, then high n low tide. Water was a close 3rd. Beyond that, long walks, socializing with other cruisers, exploring by dingy and reading were how days were spent.
We both found that no one cared about money, belongings or "status". Being "away" was so different than home.
We also both found that the more you become "unplugged"...the more syncronicities happen. Magic little moments where tiny miracles occur. (the old saying "if I have to explain, you won't understand" applies here).  Something broken and the spare part needed suddenly sails in on a new boat. Another boat has crew with a skill needed. An unplanned  beach party where no one knows each other turns up multiple common friends and messages passed on. People not only have time to talk, but give you eye contact.
All this is a far cry from the "life" we return to. Multiple phone calls, meetings, dozens of emails to reply to, deadlines and a long list of responsibilities.
For those who have been away from the "rat race" for a long time...I commend you.
For those trying to balance "away time cruising" and "commitments ashore", you will understand what I mean about the problems of "re-entry".
Bottom line...it can be darn right overwhelming and depressing!

[w00dy]

I do understand, Frank. I have felt your pain acutely several times in the past.

The worst was when I returned from 6 months of hiking alone on the AT, where I was living out of a 30 lb backpack up in the mountains, exploring the world one day at a time, unconstrained by anything but tangible reality, and socializing with other un-plugged folks. I went from that back to the expectations of my family to go back to school and submerge myself in the frenetic careerism and consumerism of society at large.

I remember the time vividly, as it happened to coincide with the worst case of poison ivy I have ever experienced. I was troubled and uncertain, not to mention unrelentingly itchy.  ::)

That was the moment in my life that my ideas coalesced with a certainty that has defined my life since then. I decided that I wanted to buy a boat, live on it, and eschew as much of modern/consumerist culture as possible. I haven't looked back.

As hard as it is to deal with all this at the moment, congratulate yourself on two things:

1. You have actually made the realization that you can live differently and can appreciate the difference. Most people never do this and are stuck in a life cycle that has been defined by others.

2. Not content with mere perception of freedom, you have changed your way of life tangibly and significantly. It is one thing to sense futility or boredom with mainstream "culture", but quite another to cast off the lines and GO. Many idolize "freedom" but are still enmeshed in commitments, responsibilities, excuses, and traps of their own or others design.

With this in mind, know that whatever difficulty in transition you are experiencing at the moment can only serve to reinforce and motivate your future path. Also, remember that you have already managed to steer off onto your own course, so have every confidence that you can do so again, at the time of your own choosing.

:)

[CharlieJ]

Frank- Couldn't have said this any better. Since coming back, I've felt "pulled" one way and another. Need to do this, need to do that.

I bought a Jeep Christmas 2011. Had 118 thou on the clock. NOW has 138.

I've often seriously thought about just selling the whole shebang, buying a small (SailFar size)  boat and just leaving. A 92 yr old mom kinda keeps me here though, but I am planning an extended trailer cruise in just over a month.

But life was so much slower when out on the boat- time to smell the roses. Not much of that around here. My own fault I suppose, but it's really easy to get caught up.

But I fondly recall times aboard, when it seemed that the world was just "Right"  I'd really like to recapture that.

And I'll tell ya what (from my 72 years prospective) The Pardey's have it right-

Go small, go simple,  go NOW.

We none of us know when our clock will get punched, and as Buffett says-"there's no rewind, and no replay"

I'll be out there again, soon as I can ;)

[Captain Smollett]

Add children to the mix...and by that, I mean the lessons we want to teach them about how to survive, and live the life of their own choosing.

I am in constant struggle with this, since we have a foot in each door (trying to serve two masters of a sort, I suppose).  Occasionally, we have a month like this past March.

It was Lent, a time of meditation.  And yet we managed to go weeks at a time with some "extra" something on the schedule, somewhere to be, something or somebody DEMANDING our attention, our participation....our souls....full schedules EVERY SINGLE DAY.  It is times like that that make it hard for me to breathe.

I rebel against it.  I fight it.  I pout.  I grumble.  I ask "Why?  What are we chasing?  What are we teaching THEM to chase?"

A single free day with nothing on the schedule becomes an entire vacation, a reprieve.  The next day, that rest is gone, the brief store of energy exhausted.

My problem is not Re-Entry...it's Re-Exit.

[CharlieJ]

My problem is not Re-Entry...it's Re-Exit.

ROFL-  I fully understand.

But kids- ah- those ( and your two in particular), are treasures. I have very fond memories of cruising with my teen aged son aboard in the 80's. And I have found, HE has the same fond memories.

[s/v Faith]

What a great thread.

Woody, funny, I am a hiker too... Much in common there with sailfar.

I have been out for about 6 months now, as my friends know I am really struggling with the idea of going back.  I am not sure i ever really came back last time..

...oh sure we try to fit in but...


The thing about travel, there is a quote about travel that says we can return and see the place we knew as home for the first time (new)....  Someone with better access might find the quote.

We go, at least in part, because we know we will come back different.  I am not sure we always appreciate just how different we might return.

[skylark]

So what is the strategy to Exit?  How about a checklist to living aboard, focusing not on preparing the boat but how to properly untie the ties that bind?

[Frank]

Some, for whatever reason, either can't or do not want to stay out continually. Craig's notion of leaving...coming back and seeing a place for the 1st time is certainly true! Ever since 2002 I have been leaving for 3-4mths and coming home. Depression sets in about 2 weeks before heading home....followed by feeling overwhelmed upon arriving. Every year it becomes harder.
I do not want to "not" come home. I love where I live, I love going to my little cabin in the woods. I treasure my long-term friendships. So...what is it?
I have thought SO much about it over the years and "think" I have the answer...for "me". This will not apply to everyone. For me, it is the "simplicity" while away. My entire world is most often in less than 25ft. Belongings, be it cloths, books, utensils...whatever, are minimal. Life truly is simple. Upon arriving at home, the overwhelmed feeling comes not simply from the phone calls, meetings and "running", but also from the amount of "stuff".  Most of us have tooooo much "stuff".
To that end, last year we built a much smaller (and greener)home and are in a continued process of "purging". Man does it feel freeing getting rid of "stuff" !!
Downsized, less stuff, less work...bla bla bla... I still feel out of place once here!
We are strange animals aren't we. I think it was Thoreau that said something to the effect of "the great battles throughout history are pale compared to the ones carried out in our own minds"
  True that!!!

[Captain Smollett]

But kids- ah- those are treasures.

I quite agree.

In mentioning them, I was not taking the typical tack that it is due to them we have full schedules.  Rather, I was trying to say that teaching them not to fall into all these traps is very, very difficult.

The pressures from the culture to "fit in" are extreme.  It is a very difficult tide to swim against.

[Sunset]

Exactly, Exactly, Exactly, Exactly, Great thread.
We have sold our house, but the boats not done ( far from it ). Looking to build a very small dept free home to come back to in the winters only to care for our parents during the summer months. If we can get all the siblings to help during the winter months?
I have lived in the so-called rat race for 57 years and want nothing to do with it. Laying in bed at night awake for hours trying to figure out what in the world are we doing here. Chasing superficial things, running around like a rabbit.
We have sold half of what we owned just six months ago and the more that we get free of the better it fills.
I have be kicking around buying a boat now instead of building a very small house and work on finishing my boat build while at home in the summer helping our parents.

All of you keep up the good work, you all are inspiring!!!!

[skylark]

1. Declutter, Eliminate Unneeded Stuff
2. Eliminate Debt
3. Eliminate Monthly Payments
4. Build a Passive Income

Then the tough one...

5. Make Relationships Flexible

I am stuck on 5.  Boat can be ready with a couple of weeks work and a few thousand.  Having family that needs you to take care of them and doesn't want you to leave is a blessing, but...  Meanwhile I am playing King of the Hill at work with silly politics and daily despair about who is in control or falling out of favor.  All so I can pay bills for things that I don't really want or need.

Getting the boat ready is the easy part.

[rorik]

What a beautiful thread to start the day with over the first cup of coffee.... thanks, guys.
I was headed in this direction 15 years ago and got sidetracked by a woman and a "dream job". No complaints, my choice. And worth all of the time spent.
Got back on track about 3 years ago. Mathilda is paid for. No other debt.
Been living aboard for the last three years. Everything I own is aboard - if it doesn't fit on Mathilda, I don't own it.
I can almost  taste the day I leave.
At the same time, I'm hesitant to go because I'm pretty sure I won't come back once I do leave.
There is so much to this world other than the hurdy gurdy of "normal" life.

[Oldrig]

Fantastic thread! Thanks for all the comments and observations. I've been there ... most recently after my trip to Bermuda three years ago. Lived in the mountains for a couple of years, too. Now I'm juggling lots of things, caring for aging parents (93 and 91), living with a wife whom I love, but who does not understand sailing at all. No regrets, but still I dream of taking off on my little boat.

Thanks again, y'all, for the thread.

--Joe

[Captain Smollett]

One of the most difficult things for me personally to deal with is feeling of 'envy' for those that are "going," or at least living more simply than I.

That's a dangerous path, especially when I step back and realize that on a grand scale, we are far closer to "simple" than the other end.

My children were sailing on their Opti today, and got a mess of a tangle in the main sheet and could not get control of the boat as a consequence.  Both were sitting there fussing about it.

"Untangle it," I said from the chase boat.  I also told them, "If you don't like your present circumstance, take action to change your situation.  Don't just complain about it."

They got it sorted out.

I need to listen to what I tell them.

[Timbo]

Seems like everyone is at a different stage of getting to "going."  I believe the Pardey's do have it right with the saying "Go Now"... B-U-T, I think in all practicality it should mean start going on the path towards the cruising life.  Those that are more entrenched in the rat race cannot realistically "go now" and stay going for a long period.  Especially if you don't even own a boat!  Researching the right boat for you can take years.

Personally, I am 1 year into a refit of my Alberg 30 that will more than likely take another year.  I am in the rat race in order to pay for a knowledgeable professional boat yard to overhaul the boat "right" (the word "right" is subjective).  For the next few years I see myself in the rat race in order to complete Number 1 & 2 of Skylark's list.  Number 3 of Skylark's list doesn't apply to me because I'll always have monthly payments of some sort (cellphone bill, boat & health insurance, etc.).  Number 3 on MY list is positioning myself as an employable professional that can pick up work in cruising locations that I wish to sail.  My list has only 3 steps at the moment, and step #4 will surely present itself when I'm almost completed with step 3.

In the words of Smollett, I say congratulations to all who are determined to "untangle it!"  Some of us have bigger knots than others, and we may never untangle them fully until we swim with the fishes.   

[Godot]

I love the Pardey's saying of "Go now," except it occurs to me instead of buying something simple and available and just going, they spent years boat building and ended up "going later." Which is, of course, perfectly fine, especially since they really did seem to build the perfect boat for them. It just always seemed a bit of an incongruity. Although, given reality, I suppose if you read it as "start doing what you need to do to go, now!" then it makes more sense.

As far as coming back, I have not done an extended cruise. However, on a much smaller scale, I did recently come back from a week and a half in Costa Rica. It was one of the happiest experiences I've ever had and  I've pretty much been in a depression ever since returning. All I can think about is dumping this life sucking job and heading out for some adventuring in the world. But the boat still needs work. The bills still need to be paid. The bank account is just a little too empty. But I know now, beyond any doubt, that I have to do this for my own sanity. My girlfriend is recognizing that in me as well, and I don't think it is making her happy :-\.

Pura Vida

[Tim]

I am about to go spend 3 weeks in Fiji, I don't want to think about coming back yet!  ;D

[CapnK]

I am about to go spend 3 weeks in Fiji, I don't want to think about coming back yet!

POLL:  All in favor of keelhauling Tim for stating this on an open Forum full of people who *aren't* smugly going "very soon to Fiji for three whole weeks" - but who to a man would - vote "Aye".

AYE.

;D

[rorik]

Aye!
;D

[Captain Smollett]

Aye

;D