Need some support, sell the boat?

[skylark]

I need some thoughts about my situation. 

My helljob has gotten worse, the person doing my old job quit so now I am back doing what I tried very hard to get away from. I need a new job but there is nothing out there except jobs which would require substantial pay cuts.  I'm about 10 to 15 years out from retirement.  They don't want me to leave but my mental health can't take much more.

My wife doesn't like boating, the boat tips over too much.

My old boat (1973 Tanzer 28) requires a little bit of maintenance to keep it up, but I have no spare time to even clean up the boat much less maintain or even sail it.

The only other jobs in this area seem to be in Chicago or Detroit, a long way from this small harbor town that I live in.

I'm about ready to sell the boat and the condo dock, go to work somewhere inland and get a trailer boat.

I don't care too much for the marina crowd of drunks where my condo dock is at (this is not fair, some of the people are nice and drink less than I do, I'm just bitching).

Maybe I just have the summer blues, when the tourists go home in the fall I will be able to reclaim my dock.  I have a diesel heater on the boat now so fall and early spring are MY season.  heck, winter could be my season if I add a bubbler.

My dream since I was 18 has been to sail from port to port and visit new places.  I'm not looking to go long distance, just to the next port and visit. This whole time I have been working toward this goal (my wife doesn't share this goal).

I'm thinking of calling my haul out guy and have him pull the boat and put it up for sale tomorrow.  This is pretty painful.

[Captain Smollett]

Wow  Lots of stuff going on there.

Here's what caught my eye:

My dream since I was 18 has been to sail from port to port and visit new places.  I'm not looking to go long distance, just to the next port and visit.

I think you HAVE to follow your heart - or at least listen to it.

my wife doesn't share this goal

The eternal optimist in me says 'there is compromise everywhere.'  My wife and I have had a lot of heart-to-heart talks about cruising, and 'heading out.'  We still have them.  Nothing is set in stone.  Just when I think she is "on board," she says something contradictory.

But the approach we are taking - what seems to be working for us - is to take it one step at a time. We are feeling our way, ghosting along in shoal waters.  We have both acknowledged that this is something we want to work toward, but it *IS* a huge unknown.  Being realists (as well as dreamers, eh?), we have had to be honest and admit that we may not like small boat cruising as a family.

The start of the compromise point for us, for me, was finding what she DOES want, how far she IS willing to go right now.  I went into this with two things in mind.  (1) She loves the water and likes sailing and (2) she wants to travel.

If you wife does not like sailing, you might want to see if you can figure out why - and if it is something that can be helped with more experience or lessons or some such.  If it is JUST the heeling boat, man, that should be pretty easy to 'fix;' that's just confidence that she won't roll.  (Easier said than done, I know).  My wife hated heeling at first simply because she was not used to it.

You might want to ask her if she wants to go places - see places, meet people, etc.  If not, than maybe it's not for her.  But I *DO* recommend the book Changing Course by Debra Cantrell (sp?) - for both you and her.  Others here suggested this book, and we both read it.  I like to think of a boat as a vessel - not a vehicle.  Your boat can be your ticket to all kinds of new experiences - towns, cultures, anchorages, etc.  Try to find the common ground between your wife's goals and yours and work from there.  Also, make sure she knows you WANT her along to experience these things with you.

Finally, don't sell the boat on impulse; think it through so there won't be regrets or resentment.  But if you do decide a trailerable is a better fit for you lifestyle/short term goals, man, you can do some awesome cruising in a trailerable boat.  You can always get another full-on cruiser down the road if the opportunity arises.

Fair Winds,

--John

[Steve H]

Keep the boat , sell the wife  oops I mean  keep the wife sell the boat .
buy a trimaran . 
I hear they dont heal as much .

[CharlieJ]

"My helljob has gotten worse"

"They don't want me to leave but my mental health can't take much more."

Skylark- sounds to me like you need to do some serious talking with your wife. If you continue along lines like this, that relationship can come apart VERY easily. Mental health makes it imperative that you FIX what's wrong. If that means quitting and taking a lower paying job, consider that as a price to pay to be happier. Money isn't the real reason for living. In my life I've packed up all my poop ( that's funny because that's not the word I used ;D) and moved to someplace totally new four times. I make a helluva lot less money now than I did at some of those jobs, but I'm also a WHOLE lot happier. And truth be told, I've never really missed the money that much.

I know a guy who's wife doesn't like sailing, but he loves cruising. So he takes short cruises  to somewhere single hand, she flies in , spends a weekend, and flies home. He cruises to the next place where she may or may not do it again. Then he wraps up the boat and goes home for a while.

Your wife should be understanding if that's your goal and long time dreams. If she cannot accomodate that, then I'm sorry, but I'd find another wife. Harsh I know but she HAS to help you live your life (as you do hers), otherwise it isn't worth the staying together.  And yeah, I know what I'm talking about- I did it- my ex was afraid of the boat, even after living aboard for a few years. Now I have a wife who is as crazy about sailing as I am- perhaps even more so in fact.

From what I've seen of you in the last few years, from reading your posts on this and other boards, you are a sailor- It's something that seems to be deep in you. DON'T sell the boat without some serious discussion with your wife about how you are feeling. You two HAVE to reach an understanding on it. Otherwise this will fester between you for a long time- maybe forever.

[Lynx]

I suggest that if your wife does not like the boat healing that you take her out on a cat and see if she likes that. Then sell the boat and get a cat or get your bareboat for catamarans and just rent when you want one. When you retire, you can sail where you want to.

However it may be hard to find one to rent that is smaller than 38 feet.

[AllAboutMe]

I'd have to ask....why is the boat heeling to the extent that it bothers her? You can get almost as much speed with the boat level...you get your sailing...she isn't uncomfortable. Just ease the main sheet and let the boat stand up.
Larry Wilson

[Fortis]

I'd have to ask....why is the boat heeling to the extent that it bothers her? You can get almost as much speed with the boat level...you get your sailing...she isn't uncomfortable. Just ease the main sheet and let the boat stand up.
Larry Wilson

Different boats perform differently in relation to heal. Some of them NEED to be over at 25degrees in order to lock into their performance groove.
Some, like mine are fairly happy at anything between 5 and 25 degrees with only about half a knot of speed lost between them (though the motion is very different).

At over 25 degrees of heel, my boat actually loses speed...but the "adventure quotient" of the sail goes up dramatically and sometimes that is what you are looking for for five or ten minutes.

This also says unflattering things about my highway driving....

Alex.

[CharlieJ]

Yep. With her slack bilges and wine glass hull, Tehani sails at 20-25 degrees almost instantly. She puts the rail to the water at 35 degrees and is ripping then. On that boat, the heeling increases the length of the waterline a LOT, so the hull speed goes up when she's heeled.

Boats with flatter hulls don't heel nearly as much.

In this pic, Tehani is at about 30 degrees or so because the rail isn't under, but the cove stripe is.

Oh- and I believe Laura was driving at the time.

[AdriftAtSea]

Of course, if heeling angle is really a problem, you can look at trimarans and catamarans.  Although they aren't the smallest boats in the world, some are fairly affordable and give a good mix of space, cargo capacity and sailing ability. The Heavenly Twins 26 is a decent small catamaran, as is the Catalac 8M.  My boat, the Telstar 28 and its predecessor, the Telstar 26, aren't too bad either.

[Zen]

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/mld/boa/382861812.html

http://www.sailingcatamarans.com/gypsy.htm

http://www.juanitodelgrande.com/index.html

I could happy with any of these...

[skylark]

Thanks for the thoughts, I'm still trying to work this out.

[AdriftAtSea]

Zen-

The Iroquois were good solid little cats too.... ;)

[Zen]

I saw one here in Cal, along with another nice lil Cat.

Now that I know they are out there...who knows what is waiting for me downstream, once I get some cash.
Lady Zen would Love a small Cat. about 29-30ft perfect!

Small boat philosophy, plus comfort... nice  8)

I do not know if I said it here, but Neal Peterson has picked up one. Of course his is much much more than I would dream of spending. His wife LOVES it as does he.

[prairie_sailing]

I've had some similar problems with my wife and the heeling aspect.  She starts getting nervous when the boat is 10 degrees...so easing the mainsheet only starts to help with her concerns.  This summer I've got an employee that was getting rid of an old Alcort Sunfish.  The wife now likes this little boat so much that she will go out by herself and she is always looking for a good wind day for us to head out again.  It is the smaller boat that I think she likes and doesn't feel as intimidated as with the Flicka.

As for your job...ever think of going to college in a different, perhaps more satisfying carrear?  I'm now 45 and just started working for a somewhat related carrear field.

[skylark]

Thank you for putting up with my rant of frustration.  I am sure there is a way out or better said a way to improve my life, but it is not just one thing, it is a number of small improvements that I have to make.  Its really up to me to decide the best course of action then take it.

As far as sailing goes, I am thinking that a trailer boat makes a lot more sense than my keelboat, since I like to travel and see new places, and its tough to go anywhere in the keelboat unless you have a lot of time.  But I am keeping the keelboat for now, I want to try out my diesel heater!

[Lynx]

That will work.

[pura vida]

Consider the advice of Thich Nhat Hanh, there is no moment in your life more valuable than the one you have now.

I just quit my heck joband I don't plan to work for the next year. I'll go to school and sail but I won't have any money. Sometimes you have to say "I'm outta here" regardless of the cost.

pv

[BobW]

Skylark -

I'm not sure I can add any wisdom to what others have offered.  Don't give up on the job, your wife, your boat, and, most importantly, on yourself.

I can't say I've ever faced the situation you describe, but there have been times in my life I believed I was at rock bottom (interesting to use that term, as not-so-long-ago I described my existance as hiding under a rock).  Things change, friends help (not necessarily materialistically), and solutions present themselves.  Friends showed incredible patience and eventually drew me out from under my rock.  I'm glad they made the effort, and I'm happy to be back in the daylight.

Have patience, be open to ideas, be willing to take chances (small ones to be sure), and find a solution.  It isn't easy, but it is worth it.

[CapnK]

Lots of good thoughts and suggestions here, like Bob I don't have much to add, except this:

'Dreams' can change and adapt, and there is nothing wrong with that - just so long as they don't completely go away!

Life without a goal, a passion, wouldn't be much fun.

Skylark - whatever you do eventually do, I am pretty sure it will involve sailing. Like CJ, I have seen evidence of the passion you have for sailing, and have even benefitted from it over the years of reading your posts around the web. I do hope that you will find the right and best way for you to integrate sailing, job, wife, etc - all these things - into your life in a manner that allows you to keep smiling, keep having fun, keep chasing the Dream.

Also - there's a heckuva support group here, that's obvious, I think everyone understands and relates somewhat, so don't feel reluctant to talk about it!

I'll be sending hopes for good resolution your way. :)