Uh oh...

Godot · February 09, 2009, 06:32:37 PM

Forgive me, but a gripe session:

I had a tearful conversation with my wife last night. She is not pleased at all about my plans for the Scoot. I'm driving forward with plans still to do it; but she broke my heart with her worry. With more than a year to go, I'm not sure if I'll be able to adequately quench her fears, and I'm not sure I have the internal fortitude to go sail away with her in that dreadful state. Worry.

It might not matter. Financials have hit very, very hard lately (expensive home and auto repairs on top of some rental property isn't renting is quickly digging me into a surprisingly deep financial grave that I may not be able to get out of). Suddenly there is real concern that I will not be able to afford to upgrade the boat adequately. Or even keep the boat. Or my house. Or much of anything.

Six months ago I was on reasonably solid financial and family footing and wouldn't have dreamed that things would work this way. My hopes for the Scoot have now dropped from a near certainty, to maybe 25%. At best.

Still, I drive on...

Captain Smollett · February 09, 2009, 08:27:08 PM

Adam,

Sorry to hear this, on many levels.

On the topic of her worry, have you pulled out the old statistic that it is FAR safer to sail a 'small boat' (ie, 30-ish footer) across the Atlantic Ocean than to drive an automobile on the streets of just about any American city?

She hears the news about the dramatic rescues, or sad loss of life, on the high seas...but she does NOT hear the hundreds of successful crossings each year. The highways, in contrast, are very deadly - tens of thousands of people die each year driving/riding in cars in this country alone. Many more are maimed.

But all this is logic...and her fear/worry may not be overcome by logic. Is there something specific she is worried about? Sinking, collision, you liking life in the islands so much you won't come back?

On losing your boat/home, etc, is your boat paid for? If so, you'll NEVER be homeless.

That's not trite, either. I told my wife that exact thing a year before she even considered living aboard...actually, she was dead set against it. But it became clear that the boat, being paid for, was a safety net of sorts. No matter what happened, we COULD live on the boat (as opposed to living on the street, etc).

As against the idea of willfully living aboard as she was at that time, she had to concede the point. That provided some measure of security at the time.

In any case, I hope things look up for you, Scoot or No Scoot. You will be in our prayers.

Joe Pyrat · February 10, 2009, 08:10:20 AM

Yes Adam, sorry to hear about your financial issues and I hope things get better for you..

My spouse's concern is not so much cruising the Caribbean but should I get a wild hair and decide to do an Atlantic crossing. The reason she sees the across the pond thing differently than the Caribbean is the time between ports. You can almost day sail the Caribbean, but an Atlantic crossing is a week or two at best and that concerns her. Try approaching your spouse with the day sailing analogy and see if it helps. You might also try and buddy boat across with someone local which might help put her fears to rest.

Godot · February 10, 2009, 12:01:13 PM

re: the wife, she finds sailing EXTREMELY dangerous. She feels uneasy when I go out on blustery weekends. The whole issue with the boat TIPPING all the time can't be right. She is constantly afraid the thing is going to capsize. I don't think I've been able to convince her that the boat is SUPPOSED to heel. Talking about 1400 pounds of lead at the bottom just means the boat will sink faster. That she is affected by sea sickness (an not really willing to take more drugs) doesn't help her mindset, I think. When emotion gets involved, there is little that logic can do.

btw, she loves running the boat under power (when the weather is nice and quiet and the boat runs nice and level). I'd worry that at some point in the future I'd be forced to buy a power boat, except that I know there is no way she would stand for the fuel costs.

With some luck maybe I can avoid bankruptcy. If I can get a decent tenant and get everything refinanced before the last of my money runs out and my credit rating tanks, I will be not only all right, I will be effectively debt free (not counting mortgages) with a small boost in income. Otherwise it will be an interesting (as in the Chinese curse) summer.

I shouldn't have brought the subject up here. That was terribly tacky of me. Unfortunately, sometimes when the stress level hits a certain point ya gots to gripe somewhere. So sorry.

s/v Faith · February 10, 2009, 12:47:57 PM

Adam,

I could not disagree more.

QuoteI shouldn't have brought the subject up here. That was terribly tacky of me. Unfortunately, sometimes when the stress level hits a certain point ya gots to gripe somewhere. So sorry.

This is the real life part. These are issues that many (most) of us face at one time or another. I apprecaite your sharing this, and join with the others in my hope that your financial situation improves.

I bet that there are more folks who have to set their dreams aside because they are not able to bring their spouse into it. I have been very blessed with my wife, but have many friends who 'sail stag' for the reasons you cite.

The fact that she will go out with you is great. From there it is just a question of helping her to be as comfortable on the boat as she can, and encouraging her to take small steps. Even if she is not going to go cruising with you, it will help her to understand why you love it.

Many folks will go out whenever, or just 'rough it'. Men who do this with their significant other are heading for a life of single sailing. I will not take a new sailor out on the water with any more then 10knots of wind. If it even looks like rain we do not go. If I have arranged to take someone sailing, and don't like the way things are shaping up I will make an easy out... something I need to do, or fix and do not want to go out.

Picnics, evening sails, or even nights on the boat anchored near shore... just beyond sight of the marina might help her to become more comfortable.

Make it a very pleasant experience, even if it means just a candle light dinner in the cockpit... in the slip.

Sailing, even in light wind, sheet out and sail flat. If you can not do this, then double reef until you can or do not go. Let her control the mainsheet so she can get a feel for just how much 'say' you have over the boats heeling.

These may all be things you have done / tried. If so, hopefully they will help someone else.

I wish you well. I really do.

CharlieJ · February 10, 2009, 06:44:34 PM

If your wife objects to the heeling, perhaps you should look into a multihull? In particular a catamaran.

AdriftAtSea · February 10, 2009, 07:25:31 PM

Adam—

Sorry to hear the bad news. I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

Charlie's suggestion of a multihull may have some merits, but my opinion may be biased... ;)

CharlieJ · February 10, 2009, 08:28:32 PM

;D ;D

Mine too- I would love having my trimaran back. If I could afford a GOOD one, I'd move to a multihull in a heartbeat. FAR more comfortable to live on.

maxiSwede · February 11, 2009, 06:16:54 AM

@ Faith

Good point and advice. grog to you!

@ Godot

Remember, it's always darkest just before dawn!

My own solution on this 'issue' might not be for anyone. As obsessed as I am with the sailing and crusing lifestyle, I found myself at a point where it made more 'sense' to swap first mate than giving it all up... Absolutely not a recommendation from my part, simply an explanation of a difficult decision.

For me, it felt like going sailing or rot for the rest of my life. That said, it's not for everyone and I fully accept my X's point of view and choice of lifestyle. Sadly, we couldn't find a compromise on this though...

All the best!

Captain Smollett · February 11, 2009, 08:10:24 AM

Quote from: maxiSwede on February 11, 2009, 06:16:54 AM

Sadly, we couldn't find a compromise on this though...

If one partner is unwilling to compromise, that's a REAL problem. Sailing (or something else) may just be the context.

maxiSwede · February 11, 2009, 08:48:12 AM

Quote from: Captain Smollett on February 11, 2009, 08:10:24 AM
Quote from: maxiSwede on February 11, 2009, 06:16:54 AM

Sadly, we couldn't find a compromise on this though...

If one partner is unwilling to compromise, that's a REAL problem. Sailing (or something else) may just be the context.

Well, I guess in this case, we were two parts who were pretty unwilling... such is life. ::)

Anyway I am a lot happier man today, and I certainly wish that goes for her as well.

Today, I think for many people, breaking up a relation is more easy than negotiating and compromising... probably the price we pay for the freedom of the individual.

Manannan · February 11, 2009, 01:46:19 PM

you spend your time compromising when you live in a small space, unconfortable at time. Respecting someone else space, and expecting the same from your partner. It is difficult and not everyone can do it even if you think you have a good relationship otherwise and even if both agree on the life style. It is a learning process, that really show your true self. Going sailing for a week-end or vacation is one thing, going cruising is another story. Compromising is the key word, compromising with the weather, the boat, the partner, yourself and without regrets. Good luck.

CapnK · February 12, 2009, 10:40:47 PM

Adam -

I'm with Craig - yer among friends here. :)

I've been mulling this over for a couple of days. I don't have any real good advice; plus, that which has been already given seems sound enough.

All I can add is that you don't forget or give up on the power of dreams/desire/goal setting/positive thinking/concentration/prayer. It seems to me that if we hold something in our thoughts and hearts, most all the time we wind up getting it.

It does seem daunting. I know I wonder from time to time if I'll be able to have it all ready to go when the time comes. I'm intending to, and saying it, and working towards it, so we'll see. If those darned external forces will just stay out of my way, then I'll meet you there in Beaufort, right? :)

Don't lose the dream or the desire. We ain't nothing without those two!

If there's anything I can do, just let me know. Otherwise, you can be sure that I am rooting for you, bud! :)

Peace!

Auspicious · February 17, 2009, 10:24:06 AM

Adam -

Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

My own suggestion is to very gently introduce your wife to driving under sail. There is a lot to be said for the feeling of control.

A romantic relationship (including marriage) is often in great conflict with a teaching relationship. Perhaps it would be as well to find someone else (me?) to work with your wife on some basic sailing in light air.

Where is your rental property? Look for near-by military (including USCG) bases -- most have family assistance offices that include helping service members transferred in to find housing. A listing for you is free.

sail fast, dave

Godot · April 10, 2009, 11:20:05 PM

The rental is in Baltimore City. The good news is it looks like I now have a renter! And I've worked enough overtime to keep my head above water in the meantime.

It was a close call, but it looks like I'm gonna be ok in the end.

Can I get the boat ready in time? I don't know. I may end up starting my Scoot from Baltimore if I can't get it fixed in time to stage at the start line this September; but can get it ready for April. My wife is still very against it, though. My little boat scares her quite exceptionally.

Odds: 33/33/33 Godot/Auspicious/Missing the trip entirely.

Godot · July 19, 2009, 11:57:59 PM

Just. Not. Looking. Good.

Dead beat tenant.
AWOL property manager.
Cut backs at work.
Rental property financing that fell through (hopefully only temporarily).
Vehicles getting sick.
House needing some more EXPENSIVE repairs.
Completely drained bank account.
Almost maxed out credit.
Some other personal issues that don't belong here.
I have barely looked at the boat since I pulled it out of the water last November, never mind working on the necessary upgrades and repairs.
Even hitching a ride might not be in the cards.

Just. Not. Looking. Good.

Most of the problems was because I attempted to improve my standard of living by getting into investment realty. Well, so far it has caused lots more pain than gain. Still, better than February when I thought I was looking at bankruptcy. I'm climbing out of my hole; but it is a very deep hole and it is taking longer than planned.

2010 does not look likely at all. If I don't make it then, though, I may try and make this trip (or something similar) in 2011. Fingers crossed.

nowell · July 20, 2009, 08:57:24 AM

Adam-

Take a deep breath! There are other times and other places to sail. First and foremost should be your health. Sounds like you have alot going on in your life right now, and you need to step back and re-evaluate. The oceans aren't going anywhere (well at least not before we are worm poop!), so don't worry! I think the timing of "The Scoot" combined with the market tanking, affected everyone. Sure, I think most people are trying to remain positive and focused on it, but, the reality is, if you had to leave today, this month, or even this year, you could probably count the people that could do it on one hand.

Anyway, I know the feeling (well not to the extreme or the wife part), and when I get like that, sometimes I have to step back, and think rationally for awhile. Sometimes it means sacrificing what I love most to accomplish the short term. Your friends, this board, and the water will be here when everything gets sorted out.

Once its sorted, the rum will taste that much better! ;D

Godot · July 20, 2009, 03:30:00 PM

Oh, I'm dealing ok, it's just that being one of the instigators of the Scoot I feel a certain responsibility to give it a go. Boating has definitely been put on the back burner for the year, though, and I may not launch until next season. The Scoot has probably been sacrificed.

::shrug::

Life does have a tendency to throw curve balls...

Captain Smollett · July 20, 2009, 09:28:32 PM

Quote from: Godot on July 20, 2009, 03:30:00 PM
Oh, I'm dealing ok, it's just that being one of the instigators of the Scoot I feel a certain responsibility to give it a go. Boating has definitely been put on the back burner for the year, though, and I may not launch until next season. The Scoot has probably been sacrificed.

::shrug::

Life does have a tendency to throw curve balls...

Adam,

You are under NO OBLIGATION to do the Scoot in 2010. Please don't let THAT add to any stress you have.

The very premise of The Scoot, as I understand it, is a personal challenge at the RIGHT time. There's nothing in the philosophy of Scooting that means you have to do it in 2010, or go to the Bahamas, etc.

A couple of weeks ago, I realized that the 2010 Scoot may be out for me, too. The 'general economy' is not the issue, but the economics dictated by the failing health of my Mother is coming into play. In my opinion, there's no shame in living in a manner that says OTHER things than personal wishes are a higher priority.

s/v Faith · July 20, 2009, 11:00:21 PM

QuoteThe very premise of The Scoot, as I understand it, is a personal challenge at the RIGHT time.

Cool. So Rose and I won the 07/08 Scoot right? ;D

Adam,

One of the great lessons of cruising is that schedules are only for the tides... nothing else. Relax and roll with the events... and look past them to see how much more you will enjoy the crystal water and white sand beaches when you get there.

Peace, and Fair Winds for all of life's storms.

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