Cruising and relationships....

[Frank]

Figure I'll keep some tough topics coming....

In "most" boating relationships, the male wants the cruising life more than the female. I personally know of several exceptions...but generally  this is the case. Some couples do very well "out there", others do not. Enjoying cruising means different things to different people.....everyone and every couple are different. It is hard putting 2 people together in a confined space that is often uncomfortable and keeping smiles on everyone's faces.
Philip Teese wrote a book 20 some years ago about finishing a little boat and sailing it. He praised his wife for allowing him to go. She didn't enjoy the boat. Fast forward and his 2nd book is written AFTER the divorce. In it, he met a fellow small boat sailor at a marina, they got to know each other and as the saying goes...the rest is history.
I'm not positive, but I think it was in Phillip's book that I read the line: "it is far easier to find someone that loves sailing and fall in love, than to fall in love with someone and try to get them to love sailing".
Relationships are difficult on land.....can be very difficult in the confines of a small boat!
Then there are the scenario's, like Philip, where the mate does not want to go!
Anyone want to share? Good or bad experiences, "how-to's", funny story's....whatever. This is a topic that most likely effects us all!!!!!

[Captain Smollett]

Relationships can be about compromises.  I decided a long time ago that I would not "let" desire for sailing lead to divorce.

One could argue that a desire to go cruising or not is a symptom of larger issues.  I refuse to believe that in most cases, people break up long term marriages over something this straightforward...it's too "pat."  Too easy. Like, "He bought a Harley, so I left him."  No, the seeds for dissolution had to have been sewn long before that.

All that said, for me, it helps to carefully define what my goals really are.  I'm pretty sure my wife does not want to stand in my way of living the life/lifestyle I want to live.  So, I have felt like I have owed it to her to be clear about what I want and where I want to go, and so far as is possible, include her in the 'grand plan' whether she sails/cruises with me or not.

An old timer once told me, while we were sitting in a jon boat watching a sail boat race, 'don't get into racing unless you want a divorce.'  I took his point as the grander meaning...you cannot be married to two "wives" at the same time. 

Again, I personally think relationships ending "over sailing" (or similar) are ending over far deeper reasons than that.

[Frank]

I'm hoping this thread is not singularly about "relationship ending"...but the difficulties and/or joys of relationships aboard AND the compromises made. There is no doubt that troubles ashore will be compounded within the tight confines of a small boat. Issues will most cetainly surface a lot quicker!!
 That said, I see wonderful couples while away!! "Annie and Neville" or "LuLu and GiGI" come to mind. It would be hard to imagine one without the other. Compromise is certainly a required quality on land or away...there is no doubt about that. I truly admire how you and your family appear to not simply survive, but thrive being together on 30ft!
 As I asked in the opener...good or bad, how-to's (you could ad advice!), funny stories...whatever.
Relationships effect us all  ;D

[Porter Wayfare]

"He bought a Harley, so I left him."

Yes anyway, but if my wife did buy a Harley, I'd leave her.  Edited to include:  I guess I should mention that once when I had gone to live in Africa for a while to study music, while I was away she sold my 1971 Norton Commando and bought a refrigerator.  Of course, every time I open the refrigerator....

[okawbow]

After being married almost 40 years, my wife and I had one of the best times of our life together for 4 months of cruising from Mobile, Al to Penobscot Bay, Maine. We were together 24/7 in a Cheoy Lee 31 ketch, with only the very basics for comfort. We mostly anchored and provided our own food and entertainment. A few offshore passages of up to 7 days, tested our courage and endurance. We got along with less friction than on land, even though we are typically apart almost 1/2 the time due to work schedules on land.

I don't imagine we really know how to co-exist better than the average couple, or have any secrets for a good marriage. I think it's mostly chance, and familiarity.

I met a preacher once, who said every couple should be required to do a weekend canoe trip together before being married. I think that would apply to a sailboat cruise also.

[Captain Smollett]

We got along with less friction than on land, 

...

I don't imagine we really know how to co-exist better than the average couple, or have any secrets for a good marriage. I think it's mostly chance, and familiarity.

I think being busy "surviving" helps, too.  "Cruising" takes some work; you either work well together or you don't.

Debra Cantrell's book "Changing Course" is an excellent read (or I thought so).  I specifically recall the part about both parties in the couple being 'invested' in the boat preps.  One wife told of how her husband did ALL the work on the boat and she felt like just another 'gadget' aboard...nothing was "hers," she had no part in any decisions about how to set up things.  This alone made her less will to go after the boat was finished.

[SalientAngle]

"He bought a Harley, so I left him."

...she sold my 1971 Norton Commando and bought a refrigerator.  Of course, every time I open the refrigerator....

if my bsa 441 victor was traded for a kelvinator, I would not have been around to open the fridge door...  ;D

[rorik]

"The Motion of the Ocean" by Janna Cawrse Esarey. And it's funny.

[rorik]

"He bought a Harley, so I left him."

...she sold my 1971 Norton Commando and bought a refrigerator.  Of course, every time I open the refrigerator....

if my bsa 441 victor was traded for a kelvinator, I would not have been around to open the fridge door...  ;D

Heh, we all do stuff like that (we do, don't we? it's not just me?)..... I sold a really nice track prepped MINI to get a sedan so I could fit the significant other, her mom, and two daughters in the car..... we split 10 months later..
C'est la vie....

[CharlieJ]

THAT'S one problem I never had. Tehani was definitely a team effort

[marujo_sortudo]

I liked this little bit on the subject from Controlled Jibe's blog:

http://www.controlledjibe.com/2012/12/05/trial-by-fire-honeymoon-on-a-sailboat/

The second paragraph pretty much nails my personal experience.  Anne & I basically began our relationship working on the boat and living aboard full-time, albeit seasonally.  It's a different level of intensity and intimacy than your average relationship on land where there is just so much more space.  When you add cruising to the mix, there's a lot of relying on the other person that can either strengthen or weaken the relationship.

[Mario G]

2 1/2 years ago we had no clue what we were getting into. Others close to us thought we were nuts. Questions like how are you going to live like that were asked again and again. Well today we are still far from experts when it comes to cruising but when it comes to understanding as long as we have each other nothing else matters, we have that down.
I've said long before moving aboard that distractions and stuff get in the way of relationships and before moving aboard it was happening to us. The business was taking up more and more of my time and that was fine when we wanted to buy the stuff we really didn't need but thought it was what we did.  It turns out all we needed was time to spend together and share our experiences. Is not being one what marrage is all about? Living where I know I can just reach out and touch or talk with out the use of the latest smart phone is what I wanted when we first fell in love and don't think it should change. 

I think people should live on a boat before they get married, if they can do it whitout one being tossed overboard with in a year the bond should last a life time.

[Vega1860]

We are still working on it, but so far, so good  ;D

Nothing to add, really, except that we both gave up our motorcycles when we committed to full time cruising.

[SalientAngle]

We are still working on it, but so far, so good  ;D

Nothing to add, really, except that we both gave up our motorcycles when we committed to full time cruising.

Multiple grogs !!!

[Godot]

Divorced. Was it that she didn't like (hated, actually) sailing? Partially; but only as it related to the bigger picture. She didn't like sailing; but didn't mind if I went so long as it wasn't on her time. From her point of view, it was always her time. So I rarely got to the boat (or any adventurin' at all, really), and became fairly unhappy. Different lifestyle desires were one of several issues that we simply couldn't come to an agreement on.

The new girl seems interested in sailing and travel (we just returned from a great trip to Costa Rica...yeah, the nomadic life is the life for me!), and I think is considering the whole cruising idea. She has been sailing with her step dad; but mostly day sailing as a passenger not as crew. My fingers are crossed that once I take her out on a few multi-day trips (I'm just not really thrilled with having my departure and destination having similar GPS coordinates) that she will get into it as much as I am. Regardless, from the outset of the relationship she understood that in a couple years I'm taking off over the horizon.

I learned the hard way that sacrificing one's dreams to please another just results in two unhappy people and no dream. That is a bad bargain.

[CharlieJ]

Well, mine LOVED sailing, LOVED being on the boat. Is an excellent sailor, and a capable single hander.

And still split.

So I don't know how to add anything here.

except to say- ah well, such is life

[Captain Smollett]

except to say- ah well, such is life

Sometimes, we just have to trim the sails and go on.  Can't hide from the wind.

[Mario G]

. Is an excellent sailor, and a capable single hander.

I think thats where I'm lucky... mine doesn't thing she could solo sail.  (I know she can)

[northoceanbeach]

Why don't you just get back together already.  Sounds like you're going to anyways.  At least I know you want to.  Probably not going to find someone else to sand the bottom like that. 

But what do I know. Maybe if I found a cool sailing chick she would be a hippy or something, then I'd be screwed. 

I don't know.  I know the relationship is supposed to be first, but then you give up your dream and nobody is happy as said above.  So what do you do?  Might explain the single 50 something's I see walking the dock. Is it better that way?  You get to do whatever you want when you want, but maybe at the end of your life it gets lonely and you die alone and I can't say how that would feel. If you would lie down and think if all the amazing experiences you had and close your eyes, or get old and weak and sad because in your pursuit you threw everyone behind.

I know that I cannot help but to throw everyone behind because they hold you back and I am thinking maybe I am willing to take that chance. I'm still not sure.  I guess it depends what kind of compromises you have to make to be with that someone.  It's a tricky situation.

[rorik]

So what do you do?  Might explain the single 50 something's I see walking the dock. Is it better that way?  You get to do whatever you want when you want, but maybe at the end of your life it gets lonely and you die alone and I can't say how that would feel. 

For me, it's a distinction between needing a partner and wanting a partner.
There's a huge difference between being alone and being lonely.